A few months ago one of my Caps Outsider readers suggested we do a post on casting each Washington Capital as a Star Wars character. That’s exactly the type of thing I enjoy doing but if I wanted to do it right, it would take some time. A few months later, with some help, I got around to it.
The response on Twitter was excellent. People told me that they laughed out loud and it made their week. I was glad, but the only ones who knew about it were my Twitter followers and those who got it through a retweet or put it on Facebook. In other words, it didn’t go viral, relatively speaking.
Unfortunately, my colleagues who speak to a much larger audience than me choose not to link to it. They’ve linked to plenty of stuff I’ve written before, but not this. I really don’t know why, other than the fact that it’s not serious, but that hasn’t stopped them from linking to my articles in the past. Regardless, not getting those links cost it thousands of views. That I’m sure of.
While I’m glad so many of my own Twitter followers enjoyed this video, I know it won’t become what it could be if I don’t impress just a few key people. When that doesn’t happen, it’s extremely disappointing.
And like so many other things in life, that’s just the way it is.
There are many songs about the end of the world, or at least ones that allude to it, but most of them don’t really fit the scene for the last hour of humanity on Earth. Like in a film, we’ve gotta score it properly. But since we don’t want to hire a composer, like John Williams or Danny Elfman (because the end of the world will be a cartoonish Tim Burton-imagined drama with Johnny Depp as the Antichrist), Gunaxin will set up speakers and DJ the remaining hour as people are running out to the streets and barfing blood as a horrible virus wipes out mankind in the middle of a nuclear war, alien invasion and coming of the Messiah.
We’ll spare you REM’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” because if that’s playing, we’ll be looking at our watches and asking what’s the holdup. Also, we won’t be taking requests, because the timing is too important, as the last song must end for the last man standing to hear (which means more people will actually be around to hear the earlier ones, so the last one could be “Who Let the Dogs Out” but too few will be around to give a damn).
T-minus 51:35
Don’t Fear the Reaper
Blue Öyster Cult
We’ll start off with an obvious one, at least to the older folks who know this as something other than that ‘MORE COWBELL’ song. This was used in the TV adaptation of Stephen King’s The Stand when the virus escaped. It worked well there and it’ll be a great opening song for this final event. Here’s how it’ll play out:
World population: 6,750,000,000
T-minus 46:30
Brave New World
Iron Maiden
It’s still early and despite the sirens, car crashes, and bodies piling up, not everyone is aware of what’s going on. This song will get them off their sofas. They’ll look out the window to the park where they’ll see, DYING SWANS…
World population: 3,337,500,000
I’d also like to bring up the point that most of Iron Maiden’s music fits in well with the end of the world chaos. If we had to choose one band to play the Final Concert, it’d be these Brits. Check out Gunaxin’s Best Iron Maiden Songs You Haven’t Heard.
T-minus 40:12
Hangar 18
Megadeth
Thought we’d pick “Symphony of Destruction”? Nope, this one’s better. Plus, it’s because aliens invade and help obliterate us.
World population: 168,750,000
T-minus 35:01
When the Levee Breaks
Led Zeppelin
This one is for those who either live below sea level or on the coast. It’s what would’ve been playing – on repeat – if Gunaxin was the DJ during Hurricane Katrina.
World population: 84,375,000
T-minus 27:53
Creeping Death
Metallica
This song is about the tenth plague of Egypt in the Torah. It’s been centuries since the Angel of Death crawled across the land taking first born man. This time, Death is being far less selective about who it takes and doesn’t care about lambs’ blood on the door.
World population: 42,187,500
T-minus 21:17
The Last Day on Earth
Marilyn Manson
Yeah, I know, way too obvious, but after all, it is Manson, and who better than the Antichrist Superstar to get airplay as fire and brimstone rains down?
World population: 21,093,750
T-minus 16:16
No One’s There
Korn
Korn, too, is a band that deserves some airplay, and we’ll select this song amongst a bunch of other great ones. We would’ve selected “Hollow Life” but the destruction of humanity pretty much answers the question Where is God?
World population: 10,546,875
T-minus 11:10
In the End
Linkin Park
Another obvious song, but the tone is right as we dip in population below ten million worldwide.
World population: 5,273,438
T-minus 7:34
A Warm Place
Nine Inch Nails
NIN has a few songs that could’ve been considered, but we’ll select one that captures the perfect tone of how things are toward the end.
World population: 2,636,718
T-minus 4:12
1812 Overture
Tchaikovsky
A global deadly virus. Nuclear war. Aliens. Messiah. Whatever. Let’s end with a blast.
World population: 0
If you are seriously curious about what happens to our beloved planet after that, you can find the answers here.
Back in college, I wrote for the student newspaper The Diamondback at University of Maryland). At the time, I had the itch to voice my opinions on controversial subjects using satirical writing. I didn’t care that some people would angrily dismiss me as an idiot, because others would STRONGLY agree. Sure enough, the hate mail and love letters arrived. Even professors nodded their approval.
But there was one person who wrote to me who I’ll never forget. I did what most people can’t – completely change someone’s perspective on one of the most controversial subjects out there (using a student newspaper, of all things). She sent me this e-mail on Dec. 6, 1996.
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 00:22:03 -0500 (EST)
From: Rebecca Bender <renna@wam.umd.edu>
To: Chain <bsumner@wam.umd.edu>
Subject: Oh, dear.
I am twenty years old. For eight years of my life I have been staunchly
pro-choice. This is especially odd in light of the fact that I am also
staunchly Catholic, and nothing anyone, including my Church, could say
would change my mind about the abortion issue. Not only is it my body to
do what I want with, but it’s not my place to tell others what to do with
their bodies. Period.
Your editorial changed all that.
I started reading your article because I thought it was another piece of
lifer bullshit. I’m still not sure what your point was, whether it was
arguing against abortion or against drugs or just against hypocrisy. It
doesn’t matter. And I’m not saying your article was an extraordinary piece
of literature. But somehow, it changed my mind– something I never, ever
thought would happen.
I was reading your article going bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, when I hit
the line about “a woman has every right to drink, smoke and bounce on her
belly because, say it with me, ‘you can do with your body what you want'”.
Again, I thought, bullshit, she doesn’t have that right because that’s
attempted murder, just like on ER a couple of weeks ago with that woman
who tried to drink her baby to death.
And then I realized I was being a hypocrite.
And suddenly a hundred things fell into place. I realized that if a woman
gives birth three months prematurely she can’t dismember the baby on the
delivery table, but she can have an abortion at six months and that’s
legal. I said, hey, it’s a body inside MY body and so it’s my right to do
what I want with. Then I thought, just because the dentist puts his hand
in my mouth doesn’t give me the right to bite it off. I thought, Having a
child inside you gives you a responsibility, not a right.
I know you didn’t do it on purpose, but you snuck up on me. Here’s what
you did do on purpose: you made me face up to my own hypocrisy.
What about feminism? I thought. And then I thought, in a society where
motherhood is not sacred but negligible, is it any surprise that women’s
roles as mothers are not much respected?
How dare I bitch about the lack of sanctity for motherhood while demanding
my right to kill my children?
A man named Milan Kundera once wrote that as humans, it is our treatment
of the helpless, not of the able, that says the most about us. Now I think
I’m a different kind of pro-choice: putting the choices of my children
before my own choices. That sounds like the right kind of feminism to me.
This is getting long, so I’ll end this here. I want to thank
you for setting me straight. I think you should be proud. I marched in the
pro-choice march in ’93. Though I never believed I could live with myself
if I had an abortion, I always vigilantly supported the right of women to
do so if they chose. Even my church couldn’t change my mind. And somehow
you did.
And I’m surprised because I really feel good about it, like I finally
chose the right thing. Thanks.
It’s funny that my parents are now grandparents but they’re in their 60s so there really isn’t anything strange about that. Here they are with my grandmother and my newborn nephew, Ryan.
I’m not a stein collector, but when I saw Smaug the Magnificent I knew that would be one I’d go for if I ever started collecting. That moment happened and I couldn’t be happier with the purchase. It absolutely looks and feels like a quality piece (granted, I haven’t held too many others).
Of course, this isn’t meant for anything other than show. This isn’t a stein that you drink out of, and if you can’t do that you can’t do much else with it. You just pick it up every now and then and admire the artwork and the gold ring on top. Maybe flip it open and wonder if the metal lid could break the porcelain if you close it too hard.
CORRECTION: According to the directions, you can drink out of it. I won’t.
It’s funny that my parents are now grandparents but they’re in their 60s so there really isn’t anything strange about that. Here they are with my grandmother and my newborn nephew, Ryan.
I’m not a stein collector, but when I saw Smaug the Magnificent I knew that would be one I’d go for if I ever started collecting. That moment happened and I couldn’t be happier with the purchase. It absolutely looks and feels like a quality piece (granted, I haven’t held too many others).
