Benjamin Sumner's Website

War is awful. But you know what else sucks? Constant tension of war, injustices done by those who need to be overthrown, and threats by politicians who deserve to be kicked in the groin.

We won’t get into the reasons behind the U.S. invading Iraq and Afghanistan. But not doing so would’ve had major costs, too. So, war may not be the answer, but neither is allowing evil people to stay in power.

The U.S. and the Soviet Union never went to war directly with each other. Had the U.S. nuked Moscow, you know, rained nukes on those Commies, that could’ve prevented the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan in the 80s (which led to things that are still going on today), or that mess with Cuba. And if the U.S. bombed China when they became Commies, the Korean War and the Vietnam War might not have happened. Or, instead of reading my theories, you can read: What If?: The World’s Foremost Military Historians Imagine What Might Have Been, the author of which I’m sure isn’t a blogger. (Also check out Five Unfought Wars That Would Have Changed Everything, from Cracked.com.)

But if you don’t, then here are ten wars that will happen in our lifetime (written for the humor section on Gunaxin.com, not friggin’ Time Magazine).

The Ayatollah wasn’t perfect, but the U.S. had good relations with Iran up until the 1979 revolution. Even Saddam Hussein went to war with these nuts, and the U.S. took Hussein’s side. Now we’ve got the puppet president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad building nuclear weapons, sponsoring terrorists, and daring nations to fight.

Given an ultimatum like Bush gave to Hussein, Ahmadinejad opts for bombs to fall on Iran’s government offices, air-force bases and nuclear labs.

The Victor: U.S.

The Good: No more worrying about Iran nuking anyone and much less aid to terrorists for other conflicts.

The Bad: A broken country, terrorism, anti-U.S. rhetoric from Iranians who are now free of this government, more problems and the need for another bombing campaign years later once they regroup and start threatening the U.S. again.

We’ll sum up the problems between India and Pakistan in one word: Kashmir. They’ve already fought three four wars over it (1947, 1965, 1971 and 1999). More will follow. The U.S. has relations with both sides, but the Pakistanis seem to appreciate it much less than India, and are looking for an excuse to say ‘Death to America.’ Let’s say that in the next war, India uses its nuclear weapons and ‘wins’ the battle for Kashmir.

The Victor: India.

The Good: Nothing good will come out of this. The British created a problem that will last for the next century. Sure, had the British did it ‘right’ there would still be problems, but this is what it comes to.

The Bad: Mass death and Pakistan will be obliterated. Then more terrorists.

With Lebanon as a war-zone again, the next chapter of Israel vs. Hezbollah won’t be as pretty as the first. Now that Hezbollah, a terrorist organization, is stocked with even more dangerous weapons than they had in the 2006 war (mostly supplied by Iran), Israel won’t hold anything back in Lebanon this time. In fact, as a joke, Israel will code-name this operation “Operation Excessive Force.”

The Victor: Israel.

The Good: Hezbollah will be crippled.

The Bad: The real victim here are the people of Lebanon, who have suffered for years with terrorists using their home as a battleground. And though Hezbollah will be crippled, other terror organizations will pop up. There will also be more unrest in Gaza and the West Bank during the war. Lebanese and Israeli civilians will die.

This war technically never ended, and has been in a stalemate for the past 57 years. But now we’ve got the North making nuclear weapons and Kim Jong Il threatening everyone, it’s time to put an end to this regime. Also, this is one time when the United States looks to China and says, ‘Stay the hell out of this or we’ll stop buying your knick-knacks.’

The Victor: South Korea

The Good: No more threats from the North and the oppressed people are free!

The Bad: Mass death and the struggles of rebuilding the infrastructure of the North. The U.S. will tell China to fix it. But now that it’s opened, refugees will exit to China and the South, which will create challenges, as well.

The U.S. will eventually have to pull out, and there is about a trillion dollars worth of mineral buried in Afghanistan, a country that doesn’t have a mining culture. Forget about the Taliban, terrorism, ‘Death to America,’ and the Taliban. Though the U.S. will support the Afghan government and allies, the bad guys will win and Afghanistan will return to its post-Soviet invasion ways, but worse.

The Victor: The warlords/drug traffickers and Taliban hired-help, who will then counterattack those who they fought with.

The Good: Though the bad guy will win, remember that this time it’s over minerals (and the heroin trade) instead of harboring Al Qaeda. This conflict will more closely resemble African conflicts over raw materials instead of religious doctrines. With more money and weapons, the warlords won’t allow the Taliban to take back control of Afghanistan. How is this good? It’s not. But it’s better than the alternative, which is the Taliban running things.

The Bad: Everything. Afghanistan is broken and will never return to its pre-Soviet ways. The USSR screwed up this country and they are to blame. If Russia wasn’t broken itself, it’s that country that should be fixing Afghanistan.

America pulls out and a Civil War eventually erupts, turning Iraq into another Iran.

The Victor: The side the U.S. doesn’t want to win.

The Good: The U.S. will again know if it’ll need to invade again.

The Bad: Everything. Liberating people from an evil dictator is thankless. It creates bitter people toward those who rescued them and eventually a full-fledged enemy.

Kurdish separatists gain power and the new ‘bad’ Iraq invades, unleashing the same type of hell that Saddam put these people through. Deadly gas. And not the funny kind. By the way, this conflict can be blamed on Winston Churchill’s decision not to partition Iraq.)

The Victor: Iraq.

The Good: It is once again established that Iraq is run by evil people. How is that good? Certainty is good. That’s all.

The Bad: Mass death in an already unstable region. And the Kurds will somehow blame America.

Now that the bad guys run Iraq again (this time in an Iran-like regime instead of a dictator’s regime), it’s time to bomb this country again back to the stone age, much like we did in the U.S.-Iran war mentioned above.

The Victor: U.S.

The Good: We once again flex our muscles and kiss them while showing Iraq who is better hung. Also, this time it’s a bit cheaper because we won’t be hanging out there and trying to fix the country for once.

The Bad: Some terrorism, anti-U.S. rhetoric from Iraqis who are now free of this government, and more problems and the need for another bombing campaign years later.

The drug cartel issue in Mexico is destroying the country. Though legalizing marijuana in the U.S. would drive a serious stake into the heart of the killers, American leaders would rather back massive bloodshed than cave to the economists who propose this solution (come on, like they’d even bother listening to Hippie lobbyists or anyone else).

The Victor: The drug lords.

The Good: Nothing.

The Bad: Mexico is now run by criminals. The immigration issue with the United States continues to be a problem.

Iran, Iraq, North Korea, China, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Syria, Turkey, Libya, Sudan, Burma, Zimbabwe, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Equatorial Guinea, Cuba, Venezuela (Axis) (UPDATE: Russia too… They found out a bit late.)

vs.

United States, Israel, Japan, Taiwan, Tibet, India, Kurdistan, The United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, France, Spain, Italy, South Korea ,Germany, Poland (Allies)

The Victor: The Allies.

The Good: Nothing.

The Bad: One billion dead.

Well, this place has changed hands many times in the past several thousand years. I’d venture to say we haven’t seen the last battle for Jerusalem.

HBO’s Hard Knocks, a reality show for preseason pro football teams, hasn’t reached its full potential. Why? Because they need cameras in every locker room of every team, every season, all season, edited and packaged for our viewing pleasure.

Rex Ryan cursing his way through the New York Jets’ camp this season is entertaining, and Chad Ochocinco raving about McDonald’s in Cincinnati last year was hilarious (and how funny would it have been to watch Terrell Owens jaw with Pacman Jones this season?). But think about every team that we haven’t seen that would’ve been worth it. That list would be huge, so here are ten memorable teams that likely would’ve made Hard Knocks even more popular than the games themselves.

Every year at Redskins training camp is worthy of a reality show, but the filming of Albert Haynesworth’s multiple conditioning test failures would have sent ratings through the roof. Under no circumstance would the team allow something like that to be shot, but THAT is what reality television was made for.

After two preseason games, Hurricane Katrina forced the Saints out of the city. The whole season would’ve been worth chronicling.

An alleged sex party occurred in Oct., 2005 on Lake Minnetonka with 17 members of the Vikings. Prostitutes were flown in for the party, and some of the players performed sexual acts in front of crew members. Forget HBO, this could have aired on the Playboy Channel.

Just imagine, Jerry Jones wandering around and Jimmy Johnson Barry Switzer barking instructions at Deon Sanders, Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Nate Newton and Michael Irvin in the preseason before winning their third Super Bowl in four years.

This list wouldn’t be complete without at least one year of Bill Parcells, and with Lawrence Taylor running wild and the Giants winning the Super Bowl, this would be a memorable Hard Knocks for sure.

Mike Ditka. Mike Singletary. Walter Payton. William Perry. This team is often said to be the best ever. Not because of those guys, but because of the dude in the sunglasses, quarterback Jim McMahon.

The only thing that would make this boring is head coach Joe Gibbs, who wasn’t known for cursing or throwing temper tantrums. Watching a football team pray together isn’t must-see television. The Hogs, perhaps the best offensive line in history, could have had their own reality TV show, but this team also had John Riggins, Dexter Manley, and others who would’ve been a blast to watch (Art Monk not so much).

Any year the Raiders would be worthy of Hard Knocks. But there was something special about them in the 1970s, special enough for HBO to make a documentary in 2003 called Rebels of Oakland: The A’s, the Raiders, the ’70s. We’ll pick 1976 for Hard Knocks because John Madden and company won the Super Bowl.

Already stacked with “Mean” Joe Greene, Terry Bradshaw, Mel Blount, Jack Ham, Franco Harris, Coach Chuck Noll selected four Hall of Famers in 1974: Lynn Swann, Jack Lambert, John Stallworth, and Mike Webster. Needless to say, this team won the Super Bowl, then three more.

Joe Namath and company embark on a journey that leads them past Johnny Unitas in the Super Bowl.