The Worst Part of The Godfather

The Godfather is considered one of the best movies of all time, if not the best depending on who you ask. So even suggesting that there is anything bad in the film is grounds for a bullet to the head. But I’ll put my life on the line anyway and break omertà.

There is a part in the movie – a half of a second – that is terribly fake, and there was no excuse for director Francis Ford Coppola to allow it. While all films have goof-ups, this one was front and center, not something out of focus or seen by only the ultra-conscious. It’s the fourth punch that Sonny (James Caan) delivers to Carlo (Gianni Russo). It doesn’t even come close to striking, yet Carlo’s head reacts as if it had. We all saw it, even discussed it, but no one put it on a pedestal and labeled it “Worst Split Second of Film History.”

Watch:

Now let’s slow this down. The first punch, a right uppercut, lands squarely in the gut.

The second punch, a left uppercut, lands squarely in the gut.

Using his left hand again, Sonny throws a third punch, a roundhouse to Carlo’s face. If this were Batman, we’d see ‘POWWWWW!’

The fourth, a right roundhouse, doesn’t come close to hitting Carlo, but Carlo’s head jerks back as if he had been hit. And there’s no way Sonny would realistically miss that badly from so close.

Just to be clear, there is nothing in Mario Puzo’s book about Sonny swinging and missing. However, there is something in the book that is absolutely uncalled for and adds nothing to the story. Fortunately, Francis Ford Coppola kept this out of the movie, but it should be removed from the book, as well.

That part is about Lucy Mancini, the bridesmaid who Sonny is sleeping with. You see, Lucy has a physical issue that only Sonny can satisfy. Sonny is well hung (which is alluded to in the movie), and Lucy, in the book, is… unusually wide down there. So that’s the real attraction between Sonny and Lucy – the hot dog fits the bun.

But that’s not the point. The problem is, late in the book, long after Sonny is killed, Lucy makes another appearance, as she’s sent to Las Vegas to keep an eye on Fredo. But she’s lonely, and soon begins dating a blacklisted abortion doctor. Anyway, in very graphic detail, the doctor fixes Lucy’s ‘problem,’ all for our reading pleasure (be glad I don’t give a photo breakdown of THAT).

What does this have to do with the story, you ask? No one has ever provided a logical answer. I believe Mario Puzo was just a pervert, and really wanted to write about a colporrhaphy and perineorrhaphy, so he works it into his most famous novel. He could’ve written it into another book that actually fit the plot, or he could’ve made a short story out of it for Readers Digest. But instead, he tainted his own classic story. That would be like Leonardo da Vinci painting the tip of Mona Lisa’s dick on the canvas. I’d rather trade places with Luca Brasi’s kid than read that part of the book again.

If you haven’t read the book, read it (though I’ve already spoiled it for you), and if you have any idea why Puzo put this in the book, indulge me. Or, put a bullet in my head, leave the gun and take the Cannoli.

Funniest Eminem Lyrics and Videos

Being a stand-up comedian is perhaps one of the most difficult performing arts jobs there is, because making people laugh isn’t something that most people can do on stage. Being able to write rhyming poetry meant to be recited to music (aka rap), and having the vocal talents to do so is also something not everyone can do well.

Combine the two. What do we get? Early Will Smith.

Okay, so years later we realized that Smith’s early albums sucked. But now, there’s one guy who rocks us out and makes us laugh with every album he releases: Eminem.

Just a disclaimer. Eminem has a bunch of cheesy songs, many of which get popular real quick but ultimately aren’t his best stuff. Sometimes the jokes are lame, particularly when he rips on Christopher Reeve for no other reason than because Reeve rhymes with so many other words (which Eminem even admits in a song).

But when we break it down, song by song and lyric by lyric, some lines are right up there with “Who’s on First?” Okay, maybe not, but they’re funny, clever, and deserve to be listed. Know more? Put them in the comments. We’ll also show his funniest videos, which are basically the rap version of Pee Wee’s Playhouse.

“Criminal”

If I ever gave a fuck, I’d shave my nuts
Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck

also from “Criminal”

My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
That’ll stab you in the head
whether you’re a fag or lez
Or the homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest
Pants or dress – hate fags? The answer’s “yes”
Homophobic? Nah, you’re just heterophobic
Staring at my jeans, watching my genitals bulging (Ooh!)
That’s my motherfucking balls, you’d better let go of em
They belong in my scrotum, you’ll never get hold of em
Hey, it’s me, Versace
Whoops, somebody shot me!
And I was just checking the mail
Get it? Checking the ‘male’?

“Business”

…they make it all up, there’s no such thing, like a female with good looks, who cooks and cleans…

“I’m Back”

Cause if I ever stuck it to any singer in showbiz it’d be Jennifer Lopez, and Puffy you know this! I’m sorry Puff, but I don’t give a fuck if this chick was my own mother I still fuck her with no rubber and cum inside her and have a son and a new brother at the same time and just say that it ain’t mine.

“Kill You”

Eh-heh, know why I say these things?
Cause lady’s screams keep creepin in Shady’s dreams
And the way things seem, I shouldn’t have to pay these shrinks
this eighty G’s a week to say the same things tweece
Twice. Whatever, I hate these things

“Just Lose It”

Fellas grab your left nut make the right one jealous

also from “Just Lose It”

I’m gonna make you dance here’s your chance yea boy shake that thang oops i mean girl girl girl girl…

“My Fault”

Sue: I’m twenty-six years old and I’m not married
I don’t even have any kids and I can’t cook
Eminem: I’m over here Sue, you’re talkin to the plant, look!

“My Name Is”

My English teacher wanted to have sex in junior high,
the only problem was,
my English teacher was a guy

 

Leonsis Likes It!

The number of page views I get on something I write doesn’t necessarily reassure me that I did a good job (though in my world page views is really high up there), but when the owner of the Washington Capitals writes a blog post (albeit short) about something I write, right before game time, I feel I can congratulate myself.
Anyway, the article he likes is A Fan’s Guide to Attending a Capitals Game.
Update: Apparently, the Washington Post likes it to, and linked to it here.

My Promotion – Gadgets Associate Editor!

After 11 years in the business, I’ve finally gotten the promotion I’ve been looking for. I am now Associate Editor – Gunaxin Gadgets.
Okay, I’ll quit being sarcastic, but I’m happy that I’ll be focusing on specific content for the site and trying to build up that section.
The sections within the subsection are computers, electronics, vehicles, games and toys (and ‘other’). To be different than other sites, I’m not trying to put up generic gadget reviews, or articles about something that PC World is covering. In traditional Gunaxin fashion, I plan to get the most offbeat, absurd, or ultra-focused content on those very items that others are covering.
My first article for that section as Associate Editor is one I would’ve written regardless of my promotion – the Coolest Lord of the Rings Balrog Stuff (which falls under the ‘toys’ section). There are plenty of sites that have information on each item but I couldn’t find any that compiled and ranked them all. I’m hoping, over time, it will gain some search engine rank and be a landing page for dorks who want to buy Balrog items, anything from the $2000 monument to the cheap miniatures. I even formed a partnership with Sideshow Collectibles, a company that creates relatively expensive limited edition statues, to promote their items.
Got ideas for the Gadgets Section? Let me know.

Most Annoying Song Ever?

I put it to a vote. What is the most annoying song ever? My vote went to Who Let the Dogs Out? and so far, after nearly 4,500 votes, it’s in the lead. My Humps – Black Eyed Peas is in an understandable second place, but one I just don’t get is in third.
Nickelback’s Photograph is getting tons of hate. I understand the catchy-popness to it – many of Nickelback’s songs are like that. But worse than Barbie Girl? Worse than Mmm Bop?
As an author, all I can do is shrug and say that’s what the public hates. I only included to song because it got so much hate, while leaving off songs that I personally despise. Dave Matthews was on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago and after a couple of minutes of listening to it, I had to change the channel. His voice is super annoying, the instruments are all over the place, and I’m utterly baffled as to how people like that music.
But what I’ve found is, like commercial jingles, there are some bands that people either LOVE or HATE, and there’s little gray area. So if I’m on one side of a band like that, that’s better than being the only one to hate a very good band.

What is the most annoying song ever?
  • Who Let The Dogs Out – Baha Men (16%, 713 Votes)
  • My Humps – Black Eyed Peas (13%, 594 Votes)
  • Photograph – Nickelback (13%, 582 Votes)
  • Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus (10%, 422 Votes)
  • Barbie Girl – Aqua (7%, 327 Votes)
  • Macarena – Los Del Rio (7%, 293 Votes)
  • My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion (6%, 287 Votes)
  • Cotton-Eyed Joe – Rednex (5%, 238 Votes)
  • Mmm Bop – Hanson (4%, 196 Votes)
  • Mambo No. 5 – Lou Bega (3%, 147 Votes)
  • Because I Got High – Afroman (3%, 116 Votes)
  • Surfin Bird – The Trashmen (2%, 108 Votes)
  • Tubthumping – Chumbawamba (2%, 73 Votes)
  • Don’t Worry, Be Happy – Bobby McFerrin (2%, 70 Votes)
  • I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred (2%, 67 Votes)
  • Mickey – Toni Basil (1%, 50 Votes)
  • It’s A Sunshine Day – The Brady Bunch (1%, 45 Votes)
  • The Lion Sleeps Tonight – The Tokens (1%, 39 Votes)
  • Mr. Roboto – Styx (1%, 33 Votes)
  • Tom’s Diner – Suzanne Vega (1%, 27 Votes)
Total Voters: 4,427