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Being a fan of animated films (and stop-motion animation, for that matter), I knew I had to check out Fantastic Mr. Fox, which was nominated for Best Animated Film at the 2010 Oscars. There are few films such as this that I have anything bad to say about because so much care and preparation goes into them, and they rarely disappoint.

Within three minutes of watching, I knew I was in for a long, bumpy ride.

But how could that be? This film has earned nothing but praise. All the critics say Wes Anderson did a fantastic job.

Here’s why: Only those who get Wes Anderson humor went to see it. The rest of the world either didn’t consider seeing it, or were so disoriented after the first few minutes that they walked out of the theater. Those remaining sang its praises to the heavens for all to hear.

By the way, the film flopped at the box office, barely regaining its budget. While that’s not necessarily an indication of its quality, it should be considered because those who apparently don’t get Wes Anderson would trash it if they stuck around long enough to finish watching or even bothered to show up to the theater.

Here are some reasons I believe it sucked, which may be the same reasons why some people think it’s good:

• Stop-motion animation is creepy. Parts of this film resembled a bad Saturday morning cartoon (particularly the parts where they are digging). It doesn’t matter how much time and care goes into its creation, the unnatural flow of movement is distracting and often sloppy.
• I couldn’t figure out if this was a movie for kids. According to many Anderson fans, it’s not. Therefore, kids won’t ‘get it.’ In that case, it’s made for adults – but only those who like Wes Anderson since most stayed away from the theater.
• The voice actors are bland, and sound as if they were reading without knowing they were being recorded. Yes, Meryl Streep, Bill Murray and George Clooney were all bland. Great actors do not necessarily translate into good voice actors for animated characters. Anderson fans again will defend this and say it fit the style. To me that’s like dressing everyone up in plaid clothing and congratulating Anderson for great costumes.
• We’re supposed to root for a fox who steals and kills chickens? Sure, the owners would kill ’em too, but seems strange that we’re supposed to like an ending where these rodents burrow their way into a grocery store and live happily ever after. At least in Ratatouille the rats make peace with the humans. There was nothing to be learned in this tale.
• It starts off with “The Ballad of Davey Crockett”… because why? There are also Beach Boys songs in it (for a film about foxes stealing chickens), because why? The score, which was nominated for an Oscar, sounds like outtakes from Raising Arizona.

In the end, I felt as if I had just watched a film with its head up its own ass and heard nothing but applause. And that is why I’m writing this – I am extremely jealous of those who stayed clear of it altogether, and therefore weren’t qualified to pass judgment. Let the Anderson fans give it five stars, because apparently if you didn’t love it, you didn’t get it and shouldn’t have seen it.

In sports, you’re allowed to like any team you want for whatever reason. However, there are reasons that make more sense than others. Liking a team for geographical reasons is the most common. If you grew up going to games and watching a team, then it’s just natural to get behind that program. However, there are several reasons that lack any logic whatsoever, even though they’re valid. So here are Gunaxin’s dumbest reasons to like a sports team:

1. Because it’s your parents’ favorite team, though you grew up in a town that has its own team.

You grew up in Jersey, but your dad is from Boston, so go Sox!

2. Because all your fantasy players happen to be on that team.

And that’s why I root for them THIS season.

3. Because that team happened to be good when you came to this country and started liking the sport.

As you step off the boat, you hear that the Cowboys won the Super Bowl. Football is a cool sport, so therefore, go Cowboys!

4. In spite of someone you know.

You dated a girl from Philadelphia who broke your heart, and because she likes the Phillies, you now root for the Braves though you were never a baseball fan.

5. You’re Irish, so you root for Notre Dame.

This has gotta be the dumbest reason ever. I’ve seen Fighting Irish fans go rabid over this team though they’ve never set foot on its campus.

6. Because they’re finally good and about to win a championship (bandwagon fan).

7. You didn’t even go to that school, and the school you went to has its own team.

8. Because of something that happened with the team 20 years ago.

The Washington Redskins won Super Bowls in 1983, 1988 and 1992. Therefore, go Skins!

9. Because Cal Ripken used to play for them.

There really shouldn’t be any Orioles fans anymore.

and of course…

10. Because of the logo or uniform colors.

Reasons why you’re not a real fan:

• Though you claim to be a fan, you do not go to see that team when they come to town or you do not watch them on TV when they’re on.
• You can’t name a single player on the team.
• You have no idea if they ever won a championship or not.